But I Respectfully Disagree

I understand the Christian faith, but I respectfully disagree.  For many years I have struggled with my decision, as a young man, to convert to Christianity.  My decision produced deep guilt, shame and many sleepless nights.  Eventually I returned to my community.


While conversions are a reality and some people need to convert, for me that was not true. I could not run away from myself.  The longer I hung around with Lutherans, the more Jewish I felt.  Over many years I became aware of the visceral toxic anti-Judaism inherent inside Christian scripture and tradition.  During those days, I told my closest friends, “To be a faithful Christian, it felt like I had to shoot at myself.”  


But there were other reasons as well.  The Christian faith which proclaims Jesus to be divine and the Messiah was no longer viable for me.  Jewish expectations concerning the Messiah are:  1) The temple will be rebuilt in Jerusalem, 2) There will be peace all over the world, 3) The Jewish people will all live in peace in the land of Israel and 4) Non-Jews will flock to Israel to study Torah with Jews.   These expectations have not been met in Jesus and Christian attempts to redefine those expectations have not been convincing.


All these reasons were intensified by my study of the Holocaust in which many of my relatives were killed. My own parents had survived by accident.  In this event which occurred in Germany, a country half Roman Catholic and half Lutheran demonstrated how hatred and murder of Jews could be supported by a majority within a Christian land.  Only a small extraordinary minority resisted and helped some Jews escape.  During the 1990’s, I visited the concentration camps in which many Jews had been murdered.  During the winter of 1999, I was in Boston, met with Elie Wiesel and sat in his classroom.  I decided I must return to my community, which I did in the year 2000.


I felt deep guilt and shame for having left my community.  I have worked through the guilt and shame, but it can still rear its head.  Today I wear a skullcap every day to remind myself never to forget that I am Jewish.  I am a healthier saner person these days and I am sleeping well.

To be clear, the Christian faith has its place, but I respectfully disagree.